Piece of a Fool's Cake
by Scordatura
Summary: There's been a quest hanging on the board of the Fairy Tail Guild Hall for weeks, and no one has taken it. Rumors have been going around saying not even wizards from surrounding Guilds could complete the mission. How can taking out the legendary Holy Sword Excalibur be difficult? Natsu, Gray, Erza, Lucy, and Happy are about to find out.
1. The Mission

Chapter 1: The Mission

The Fairy Tail Guild was as it always was when Lucy stepped through the doors, yawning with her arms high above her head. Mira was walking around with a tray balanced on her fingertips, handing out mugs of some sort of frothy liquid, Cana was sitting in the corner of the room with her own oversize mug of something, and Levy and her team were chatting at one of the round tables in the center of the room. Though as casual as it seemed, Lucy couldn't help but sense something was missing.

That's when she was bowled over from behind by a howling figure. She hadn't even hit the floor when a foot slammed into her backby a second, insane individual. As her insides were driven through her stomach and ground to the floor, the stomping of feet passed only inches from her head and she cringed.

"Running away to the Guild Hall, you charcoal coward?" Came Gray's muffled voice through her ringing ears.

"I'm not running! I just want a bigger audience for when I kick your butt!" And surprise, surprise, there was Natsu.

With a kink in her spine, a murderous glint in her eyes, and a precise scheme on how to slaughter both guys and dispose of their bodies, Lucy stood. As she suspected, both Gray and Natsu were jumping over tables and people, hoisting chairs over their heads and firing magic left and right. Spinning frantically over their heads was a distressed Happy, trying to talk some sense into the two while avoiding debris.

Inhaling deeply, the celestial wizard cupped her hands around her mouth and screamed, "Hey, you two morons! I'm right here, you know! What's your problem?"

"See!" The blue cat fluttering over their heads squeaked. "Now Lucy's angry with you!"

Both wizards faltered for a second, turning to their friend with wide eyes until Natsu snapped, "What's wrong with you, Gray? You trampled Lucy just so you could attempt to beat me in our fight? That's cold, even for an Ice Make Mage!"

"I didn't trample her, you blockhead! You ran in here before me!" Gray retorted angrily, gesturing impatiently in Lucy's direction. "Why weren't you watching where you were going?"

"Fine, I may have nudged her a little," Natsu sighed, crossing his arms and ignoring an indignant squawk from Lucy, "but you're the reason she became part of the floor."

"That's it! You're going down, lizard!" The ice mage cried, pulling his arms back as he activated a spell to throw at the pink-haired teen.

"It's Salamander!" Natsu corrected impatiently, preparing to send his own attacks when a dark voice yelled over the chaos, "Natsu! Gray! I have a mission for you!"

Lucy shook her head in exasperation as both ice and fire mages linked arms and began calling happily to the owner of the voice, "R-Right, Erza! We're both ready whenever you are! We're good friends, so why wouldn't we be in synch? Right, Natsu?"

"Aye!" the fire user cheered.

"That's good," A satisfied voice murmured behind Lucy. The blond haired girl turned, exhaling slowly as the older mage entered the Guild Hall, stopping next to her. "There's been a mission on the board for awhile now, and I've decided we're all going to check it out."

"What mission have you got?" Natsu inquired, punching Gray away from him as soon as Erza turned her attention to Lucy to inform the celestial wizard she would also be tagging along. "Is it the one about that poisonous plant that eats everything around it?"

"That one was just put on the board yesterday," Gray muttered, rubbing his ribs where Natsu had hit him. "She said the mission has been on the board for awhile, idiot."

"That's right. I don't know why anyone hasn't taken this mission, it seems simple enough," Erza continued, pulling a sheet of paper from under a plate of armor and shaking an impressive cloud of dust from it. Walking over to one of the wooden tables, she set down the ancient mission and everyone gathered around it.

"Get rid of the Holy Sword Excalibur?" Lucy read out loud, raising an eyebrow. "Like an actual sword? Is it cursed or something?"

"This request was sent to us by a clan of fairies," Erza explained. "The only information they gave to the Guild was they didn't want the sword around anymore and have asked many wizards to take care of it. I've heard rumors that a few other Magic Guilds couldn't complete the mission."

"Are you serious?" Natsu cried in shock. "No one else has been able to defeat this thing? It's not even an S-Class quest!"

"Which is exactly why it's been on the board so long," Erza murmured. "Everyone has heard the rumors about this sword being unstoppable, so no one's accepted the mission. So, I was thinking you guys would be up for the challen—"

"Oh, yeah! Count us in!" Natsu interrupted, leaping into the air while pumping his fists above his head. "Take down this Holy Sword? Piece of cake!"

"Aye!" Happy cheered.

-/-\-|-/-\-

_Priten Island – Northern Part _

_Cave of Eternity_

"'So, why do a bunch of faires want to get rid of a Holy Sword?' she inquires skeptically."

"Hey, do you really have to summon that clock? You're making it do all the work," Natsu muttered, turning to Lucy from where she was crouched inside Horologium's glass case.

"'Did _you _want to carry me?' she huffs indignantly," The grandfather clock quoted, shuffling after Natsu, Gray, Erza, and Happy.

They had all arrived on Priten Island with little trouble, the only small problem being Natsu's forever hindering motion sickness. After their friend's stomach had settled, all four had made their way up the rocky cliff leading to the Cave of Eternity. Happy flew up before them and sat in the mouth of the cave cheering them on.

As expected from the looks of the waterfall running from the mouth of the cave, a shallow river lay before them and each mage had waded in, safe for Lucy who summoned Horologium from the spirit world to trek through the cold water for her.

"Back to your original question, Lucy," Erza spoke up from the front of the group. "No one is sure. Any wizard who's returned from this mission doesn't say anything about what went on or what they dealt with. They just give us this weird look."

"'What kind of look?' she asks in a dreading tone," Horologium hummed as Lucy grew pale inside the clock.

"Well," Erza began but was cut off when a light shape zipped around her head, stopping inches from the red-haired woman's narrowed eyes.

"Hey, look, it's a fairy!" Natsu exclaimed excitedly. "Don't worry, fairy! We're here to get rid of that sword for you!"

The small face lit up, eyes shining brightly and the winged figure spun circles in the air.

"Indeed," Erza said, inclining her head. "The Holy Sword Excalibur, is it up ahead?"

The fairy's celebrating stopped almost immediately and her face twisted in disgust, eyes narrowing and mouth drooping with a disturbing grimace. With that last act, she fluttered away without so much as a good-bye or 'Yes, you're going in the right direction.'.

"Was that the look?" Gray asked, raising an eyebrow at the fairy's retreating form.

"Yes," Erza replied, releasing along sigh. "That was the look."

-/-\-|-/-\-

"Lucy, you can come out of the clock, now," Natsu called back to the trudging grandfather clock. "The floor's all rock from here on."

"Oh, great!" Lucy cried as Horologium burst into an array of light before disappearing back to the Spirit World. "It gets real cramped in there."

"Is this the spot?" Gray inquired, coming to stand beside Erza who had halted before a small plateau of light aqua stone. "The air feels funny."

"Yes," Erza agreed, narrowing her eyes as she spotted their target a few yards away, embedded deep in the solid ground. "That's it over there."

The team approached the blade cautiously, looking it over suspiciously. The legendary weapon was still, but they could all feel a strange presence in the air.

"Now what do we do with it?" Natsu demanded, crossing his arms and nudging the flat of the blade with his foot. "Can I melt it down and eat it?"

"Don't you know the legend of Excalibur?" Erza inquired, raising an arm to block Natsu as he began to drool at the thought of his Holy lunch. "It is said whoever pulls the sword from the stone will be granted wings of light and ultimate power and strength."

"Sounds good to me!" Natsu cheered, grabbing the handle of the blade excitedly.

"Don't be reckless, Natsu!" Lucy scolded, and the fire user scowled at her, but he didn't release his grip. "It could be a trap."

"Aye!" Happy agreed, looking apprehensively at the shining weapon.

"She's right," Erza agreed. "The fairies wanted us to get rid of it—"

"So let's bust this baby out of the ground!" Natsu yelled and with a victorious cry, he yanked Excalibur from its resting spot and raised it high above his head with a demented laugh.

"You idiot!" Gray shouted as Lucy instinctively covered her face as she waited for a bomb to go off and obliterate them all. Erza stiffened, staring at Natsu with the blade above his head and she too expected the usual disaster the pink-haired mage always incited.

Their grinning friend didn't seem to notice their unease and turned to them with a smug look. "See? Nothing bad happened. Now let's get out of h—"

"Welcome, young ones!" A booming voice called, filling the cave and echoing off the walls.

Lucy shrieked and plucked Happy from the air, squeezing the blue cat close until his eyes almost popped out. Gray and Erza positioned themselves in a fighting stance, watching the Holy Sword closely. As Natsu stared at the blade wide eyed, it began to light up with golden light, floating slowly out of his hand.

"I'm so glad you have found your way into my home!" The bellowing voice continued. "I am the Holy Sword Excalibur!"

The glow around the sword intensified and lit up the entire cave, blinding the team with a brilliant shine and causing them to give cries of alarm.

"Be prepared for anything!" Erza commanded. "This is the reason we're here and why no other Guild has been able to defeat this thing! We will face anything thrown at us!"

Everyone nodded, preparing fire, ice, keys, and, in Happy's case, fish and other assorted sea food. The light began to fade, fixating in the spot where the Holy Sword used to be, before disappearing entirely.

Lucy and Happy looked bewildered and Gray and Natsu were staring wide eyed with flames and frost on their fingertips. Even Erza appeared perplexed, staring at the creature that now stood in Excalibur's place.

"That's kind of…" Gray began, trailing off at a loss for words.

"Lame," Natsu finished, followed by Happy's unenthusiastic, "Aye."


	2. The Legend

Chapter 2: The Legend

"What's with this thing?" Gray inquired, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "Is this Excalibur?"

Before them stood a small, albino creature wearing the top of a white suit with a strange, lacy collar around what was supposed to be his neck. His head was a cylindrical shape with a long nose they could only consider a horn and two, large black eyes on either side. Adorning his head was a sky scraping top hat, the same color of his suit and generally, his whole body. He was without pants and had large, rabbit-like feet and in his hand was a pallid cane.

"Is it a sword or an albino rabbit thing?" Natsu whispered, not sure if the creature had ears or not.

"Look at it's nose," Gray replied just as softly. "Are you sure it's a rabbit and not a penguin?"

"So which is it?" Lucy demanded between them. "A rabbit or a penguin?"

They were all silent for a second before Happy floated up behind them, answering in a dark voice, "An albino _renguin_."

"A 'renguin'?" Lucy inquired skeptically. "Happy, that sounds st—"

"Fool!"

Lucy squeaked when the creature before them made its move, lashing out with his cane to position it in front of the celestial wizard's nose.

"I am no such thing! My legend dates back to the twelfth century, you know. I am the legendary Holy Sword Excalibur. Not this cat you speak of."

"Renguin," Natsu corrected with a bewildered look. "We called you a renguin, not a—"

"Fool!" Excalibur turned on his heel, tapping his cane against his barely noticeable shoulder. "I know what you called me. I know what you think of me. Tell me where you're from."

"From the Fairy Tail Gui—" Natsu began to answer before Excalibur raised a cane to his face, cutting him off abruptly by declaring, "Fool! I am aware of that. The tattoo on your shoulder shows as much, just like the star shaped tattoo that other boy had, in the exact place, too. However, he wasn't from a magical guild. Say…"

Natsu reeled back in alarm as the tip of the Holy Sword's cane nearly drove itself up his nose.

"You do look familiar," Excalibur mused to himself. "By chance are you both related? It certainly would explain a lot, from the time you stepped into this cave to the moment right here and now. Although, both your pupils are completely different, no doubt from a lack of bean sprout consumption as children."

Natsu, Gray, Erza, Lucy, and Happy all blinked, staring at the babbling creature with incredulous faces.

"Familiar to who?" Lucy inquired at the same time Natsu demanded, "Lack of bean sprout consumption? And what do you mean our pupils are different?"

"Figures you wouldn't remember," Excalibur sighed, turning and strutting across the small plateau of rock and digging the end of his cane into the ground. "Shall I tell you my legend? Perhaps you shall remember who it is I speak of. Of course, if you would like, I can always get to that during the five hour story telling party."

"Excuse me," Erza interjected, stepping forward to stand before Excalibur. "We were sent on a mission to remove you from the area. We received word from the clan of fairies living here they want you gone."

"Yeah, and we totally understand why," Gray muttered, crossing his arms and scowling at the Holy Sword. "So if you could make this easy for us and just pack up, we'd appreciate it."

The albino figure was silent, save for his cane tapping on the ground thoughtfully. With a flick of his stubby wrist, his cane spun around through the air until it was facing Erza. "Fool! My home is here in this rock fortress. You may not understand, but the fairies here thrive in my presence. They may not know it now, but once I've disappeared, they'll understand what my being here brought them."

"Wha…?" Happy groaned from his place in Lucy's arms.

"I will not leave my home. Would you ask the water in a river to leave the deep canals? Of course not!" The legendary blade drove his cane back into the ground, apparently wanting the conversation to be over, or at least they assumed such.

"I'm sure the river will do a better job of doing what it's told," Gray snapped impatiently.

"Fool! A river wouldn't be able to hear your requests," Excalibur argued, tipping his tall hat back. "A river is simple stream of water, pouring out into a great expanse such as an ocean, sea, lake, or another body of water. I suppose it could even run off into a larger river, but that might classify the original river as a stream or a smaller tributary. However, if we go by that logic, perhaps we've been talking about a stream all along, or maybe a tributary. Tributary is a much fancier word, though I enjoy the word stream. It's decided then, we're talking about a stream. Now, if this tributary we're discussing was to listen to the words of people, we could avoid tedious things such as pollution or the lack of fish because of the abundance of fishing. The streams in the world, emptying into great bodies of water, would be the cleanest water. Our percent of sicknesses and diseases would fall graciously. This world would thrive, carrying on thousands of years from now, though I suppose the sun has to have a say in everything. I guess the only way to avoid such an apocalyptic end would be to kill all of the frogs in the world. Any objections?"

Lucy was crushing Happy in her arms as blood vessels strained under her skin. With a strained voice, she hissed, "What's with this freak? Does it look like we're smart enough to follow his irrational way of thinking? I wouldn't be surprised if his stupid hat was covering up the wound where his skull was gouged out when his brain was taken from him!"

"Fool!" Excalibur yelled, spinning his cane on his stubby arm. "I am not familiar with neuropsychology, however if you insist I take a look at your patterns of thinking, I once worked with a man who had the most intriguing mind."

"No way! You're not touching my head, you creep!" Lucy shrieked, letting Happy plummet to the ground as she grabbed fistfuls of her blond hair, holding her head protectively.

"Come now, don't be so confusing," Excalibur sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "I can never follow a young person's train of thought. It's too baffling."

"Is that so?" Natsu snarled, cracking his fists with a countenance of anticipation. "What about if you were to roast the brain of the listener? Would that help them out at all?"

"That is an interesting thought, however, I doubt it. There's only so many numbers a clock's face can hold. Usually, the limit is twelve, however I once lived in a town where the numbers on a clock went all the way up to sixty-three point five. It was always one-thirty in that city."

"Erza, I can't take it anymore!" Gray yelled, clapping his hands over his ears. "As much as I hate to back down, this guy is ridiculous!"

"The fairies wanted us to take care of him!" Natsu declared, leaping into the air with a flaming fist. "They didn't specify how, so if we reduce him to charcoal, we're still completing the mission!"

Excalibur didn't appear bothered by the sudden turn of events and nimbly leaped out of the way as Natsu came crashing down beside him. The cave shook from the force of the punch, and the fire user shakily got to his feet, staring in confusion at Exaclibur from where the Holy Sword stood a few yards away.

"Fools! You cannot land a scratch on my legend!" Excalibur declared, raising his short arms. "How do you hope to destroy me?"

"Deep fry, flash frozen, we don't really care!" Gray exclaimed impatiently, sending shards of ice at the legendary being. "If you prefer being skewered by an impressive amount of sharp blades from Erza, that's fine by us. Death by spirits, go to Lucy."

"And if you want to be beaten by sea food, I can arrange that!" Happy piped up, soaring into the air with an armful of fish, crabs, starfish, and what looked like strangely colored shrimp.

Excalibur deflected the daggers of ice Gray had shot at him with a sweep of his cane, disintegrating the frozen pieces and leaving them all gaping.

Erza attempted to send a milieu of swords at the white creature, but every time one got too close, he seemed to vaporize into the air and reappear a few feet away.

"Don't you understand my legend, young ones?" Excalibur called over their battle cries. "It starts in the twelfth century, when I was born old and wise."

"Then you've been living way too long, Gramps!" Natsu roared, sending a mouthful of flames at the Holy Sword. To his dismay, Excalibur simply dodged yet again, ignoring Lucy's celestial spirit Virgo who was attempting to throw punches and kicks at him.

"If you plan on staying here any longer, I believe we can begin the five hour story telling party now," Excalibur sighed, tapping his cane against the top of his crooked hat to right it. "Shall I begin with the journey for the perfect paper crane, or perhaps that lovely time in Brazil would be a nice place to begin a story. No, the absolutely ideal beginning would be—"

"Okay, fine!" Erza cried, startling them all and they all turned to face her with incredulous expressions. "Stay in your cave," The mage sighed, shaking visibly, most likely from the annoying presence the legendary sword held. "We'll let a different team take care of this one."

"Amen to that," Lucy moaned, already trudging into the cool river leading to the entrance of the cave. Even as Virgo faded away back to the Celstial Spirit World, she didn't call for Horologium and tiredly continued on her way.

"But Erza," Natsu protested, but the look Erza sent him had him following Lucy in seconds, along with Gray who shot one last glare at Excalibur.

The exhausted team passed by a small cluster of fairies who'd been watching their battle, and Erza stopped to address them. "I deeply apologize for our failure, but there is no way we can physically defeat him and leave your cave standing. I am sorry."

The fairies all took on the same grimacing faces as the first fairy they'd met coming in, but Erza wasn't sure if it was displeasure directed at her and her friends, or the fact they'd have to live with Excalibur for awhile more. Either way, she was too tired to care.

"Aw, man!" Natsu growled, stalking away through the calm river. "And I thought this would be a piece of cake!"

"Piece of a _fool's _cake, sure," Gray muttered beside him with a smirk.

"Shut up."

-/-\-|-/-\-

A/N: I absolutely love writing Excalibur rants. It's such an easy escape from writer's block. Anyway, thanks for reading. (If you read that long, tedius paragraph that had no meaning whatsoever, congratulations, you have a strong soul.)

Excalibur's classification by Happy, the Albino Renguin, is something my friends and I came up with. He isn't a legendary weapon to us, but rather an Albino Renguin. Something ridiculous… it suits him better. ^^

This is my first time writing for Fairy Tail, I have not seen all of Fairy Tail, I only watch the important bits. So if there's anything wrong, that's why... Again, thanks for reading.


End file.
